Racehorse TALK

Stress Management and other Problems

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,
raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?'
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it,
the heavier it becomes.'

He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,
as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
we won't be able to carry on. '

'As with the glass of water,
you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.
Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you're carrying now,
let them down for a moment if you can.'

So, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.
Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while. 

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane..

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live. 

* You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 

* We could learn a lot from crayons...
Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.


*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Hmmm,

That last * must be why so many people have affairs!

Fours

Feherty-isms

If you are golfers but don't know who David Feherty is, think of any Irish Robin Williams, who was a professional golfer and is now a TV commentator for Golf Channel and has his own show.  The stuff that just rolls off of his lips is so funny that for a few years they wouldn't even let him do the Masters coverage for fear he would offend the Masters Committee.  ENJOY!


On a possible injury to Rory McElroy -- "Fortunately, Rory is only
22 years old, so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."

"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."

"I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week.  He is busy attending the birth of his next wife."

On Jim Furyk's swing -- "It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."

On Luke Donald's recent success -- "He's a bloody walking ATM.  I slid my AmEx card between the cheeks of his ass and out popped $500."

Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -- "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."

"That was a great shot -- if they'd put the pin there today."

"All you need for a happy life is good health and a bad memory."

Describing a player's tee shot -- "Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

Tommy Gainey's grip - "They look like two lobsters trying to mate."

"They don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head."

Subject: Costa Concordia jokes
It didn't take long…...
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? -
Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he
knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down
in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

 

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

  11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

KIWIs

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand  and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, 
expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You  ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from  Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy  says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the  hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist  doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and  yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

Some politically incorrect one liners from Britain

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was
soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those organ enlargers,
so I did.....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and
other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled
our 10th anniversary.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut
tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman
said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for having sex with a girl in his class.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from
teaching altogether."

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

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Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B..I.G.T.I.T.S.

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding
the question please."

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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single
mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people"
isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.

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Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries.

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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing
line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.

 

Posted for those over 60  . . . You know who you are 

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?  A: Try a bookstore under fiction. 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?  A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where is  it be found?  A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt .."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus husband?  A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly, wrinkles?  A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?  A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?  A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?  A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?  A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?  A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?  A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

                                                                          A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real pryck..... steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
Demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in  explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer responding.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
An  ar..sole
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license,
so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
You don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
Underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ar...sole


“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

   An old man walks into a Barbershop for a shave and haircut but he tells the barber he cant get all
 
   his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from old age.

   The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek

   to spread and tighten the skin.
 
   When he is finished , the old man tells the barber that was the closest shave he has had for years,

   but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

   The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Can you give me the name of that barbershop.  I want to recommend it to a few on here. 

Two businessmen in  Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new  shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set  up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is  going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're  selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure  enough, a curious old
woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a  soft voice asked, "What are
you selling here?"

One of the men  replied sarcastically, "We're selling @rse-holes."

Without skipping a  beat, the old timer said,"Must be doing well... Only  two
left."

Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!  They  maybe old but they are  not
stupid.