Racehorse TALK

THE BENEFITS OF A CATHOLIC EDUCATION

A young jewish boy Maurice Cohen was doing very badly in maths at school.His parents had tried everything,tutors,mentors,flash cards special learning mathematics.Finally,in a last ditch effort,they took Maurice down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.After the first day little Maurice came home with a very serious look on his face.He didn't even kiss his Mother hello.Instead,he went straight up to his room & started studying.Books & papers were spread out all over the room & little Maurice was hard at work.His Mother was amazed.She called him down for dinner,to her shock,the minute he was done he marched straight back to his room without a word & in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.Finally,little Maurice brought home his report card.He quietly laid it on the table & went up to his room & hit the books.With great trepidation his Mother looked at it & with great surprise he had got an A+ in maths.She could no longer hold her curiosity.She went to his room & said "son what was it?" "was it the nuns?"little Maurice looked at her & said "no!" well then she replied "was it the books,the discipline,the structure,the uniforms,what was it?"Little Maurice looked at her & said "well on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't messing around!!!"

OLDER WOMEN ARE GREAT

A bloke has been married 25 years,he took a look at his wife one day & said "Honey,25 years ago we had a cheap apartment,a cheap car,slept on a sofa bed & watched a 17" black & white TV,but I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde.Now we have a nice house,a nice car,a big bed & a plasma screen TV,but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
His wife was a very reasonable woman,she told him to go find a hot 25 year old blonde & she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car & sleeping on a sofa bed.
Aren't older women great,they really know how to solve your mid life crisis!!

While making rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of med students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

A blonde is on a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies.  Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, Mayday. My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:  "Don't worry, Madam, I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and I'm sitting in the front seat."

The deaf bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather discovers that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf; that is the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront his bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he takes along his attorney, who also knows sign language.  The Godfather tells the lawyer:  "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol and puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

The bookkeeper signs back:  "OK, you win! The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Tahoma."

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers. 

Golfing for the Pope

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I'm afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

 "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "Hi, Pope. I'm Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. " I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

The Duck 

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.  The
barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". 

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. 

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman. 

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,  "Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?" 

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". 

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the
duck.  Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.  This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" 

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" 

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman. 

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman. 

"The circus?" the duck asks again. 

"Yes" says the barman. 

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. 

"Yeah" the barman replies. 

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned. 

"Of Course" the barman replies. 

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. 

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.  "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"   

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A WEE BIT

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look
'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell. ...............pregnant when you met her."

(Lovely little poem)

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease, 
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
                                                                     
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud, 
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long, 
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley, 
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile, 
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places, 
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators, 
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true- 
We must never forget.......
Good old farts like you! 

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near to Grafton.  A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these Chinese customs, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. 

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and  then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running  around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and  drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are! Man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man," He  say to become true Aussie Bloke

I must learn chase chicks, drink  piss, and listen to bull-shit"

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop!  Stand still!
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.  The man was
astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.  Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop!  Stand still!  If you take one more step a car will
run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked.  "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked.  "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"

There was a struggling farmer who owned a property on the drought ravaged western Darling Downs.

The Qld. Dept of Labour claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the P S.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “There’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of Whiskey every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to ...the half-wit,” says the P S.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

Local Police Station toilet stolen...Police have nothing to go on.

LORD,if I can't be skinny,please let all my friends be FAT.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

John Howard goes to Heaven

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.

My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.

This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day; it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard. "Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem.

But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress.

I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"