Racehorse TALK

 

 

 

What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real a...hole
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6 Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open this site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.

Only a bit of fun but not recommended on an aircraft.

                                                                                                             

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour:

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Suicidal Muslims ...








Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide ..      Let's see now ...



•       No Christmas

•       No television

•       No cheerleaders

•       No Nude Women

•       No car races

•       No Rugby

•       No Football

•       No golf

•       No tailgate parties

•       No pork BBQ

•       No hot dogs

•       No burgers

•       No lobster

•       No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

•       No nachos

•       No Beer nuts

•       No Beer  !!!!!!!!

•       Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

•       Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

•       Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

•       More than one wife.

•       You can't shave.

•       Your wives can't shave ...

•       You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

•       The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

•       Your bride is picked by someone else.

•       She smells just like your donkey.

•       But your donkey has a better disposition.

•       Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

•         I mean,  really,  is there a mystery here ?
 

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . It doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.. What firm are you with?"

[ ERROR: SPECIFIED ATTACHMENT MISSING ]

[ ERROR: SPECIFIED ATTACHMENT MISSING ]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing butfart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

In Honor of Stupid . . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..
 

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(....and you thought????..)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts --"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

Subject: You could have heard a pin drop
 
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
 JFK'S
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. 
Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?" 
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have
heard a pin drop
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do, bomb them?'  A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' 
You could have
heard a pin drop. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,
'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have
heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically. 
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." 
The American said,
'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." 
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !" 
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.  Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." 
You could have
heard a pin drop.
   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now THAT, Arsenal, is funny!!!!!!!                                     

Yep Arsenal good one

Whoever deleted that picture Arsenal posted is pathetic.

Please explain how that could possibly offend anyone.

It would offend Germaine Greer. She doesn't like wangs 

Magic does a great job with this forum.

But as I suggested on the old forum, when this one was envisaged, and then canvassed, the prospect of the CWA influence gave me cause for pause.

I think the number of deleted (hidden) posts and threads (must be hundreds by now) here proves that what I said was right.