Racehorse TALK

Prime example of the porkies that men tell!! 



The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn
and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Reverend," replied one boy.  "We were just seeing who can
tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded.  "I'm shocked.  When I was your age, I
never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

Happy Anniversary!

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Army
Sergeant Major, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You
wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to
me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to
suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said.  So now
it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you
have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, "Mission Accomplished."

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I
think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.

"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.

"Well, I'll sleep on it."

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"

"Well, one hundred and fifty dollars a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money!  A friend at work cured me for nothing.  I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!"

"Is that so?!  And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Life under Labor

A dedicated AWU union worker was attending a convention in Sydney and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes
sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then she gestured to a 92-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

CHUCKLES FOR MATURE COUPLES AND OTHERs

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.


Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8; worn once by mistake.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.


Why are hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.


The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

LOVE STORY:  Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t meant they don’t love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Nursing Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.  When she went to tell Edna the news, she said:  “Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied:  “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?”


(I'm still waiting for the answer  )

This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.  Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

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The man replied, "These are Carols."

And so the Christmas Season begins......

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh, Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex: 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. 

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. 

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

This is funny, but if I'm not allowed to post it here would the Moderator please delete it.


www.maniacworld.com/death-star-cafeteria.html

Royal Wedding

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!' 

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla, 'Harder!' Charles yelled back, 'I'm
trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!' 'Come on, my prince! Give
it all you've got!' she cried. 

Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!' In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!' 

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!'   To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 :D

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know.

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me.

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 100 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 28 Catholic, 22 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 22 Baptists and 18 Atheists."

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Wife to Norm: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

Norm to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to Norm: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Norm to wife: "Yes. We used night clubs."

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
(Love the message in the last one. I'm getting on the treadmill to get myself fit right now.  :D

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.

The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.

The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.

When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

Gotta love those birds

This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.(now I know why they record these conversations)




"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like TV.Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f*cking stupid to own a computer."


:D