Racehorse TALK

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8 iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.  The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8 iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7 iron! You can't get out of here with an 8 iron."

For his 60th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an elderly medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have the absolute cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what type of hokey pokey was in store.
The medicine man told him,
"When you take this, say '1-2-3' and you will be ready."
As the man walked away, miracle in hand, he asked,
"How do I stop this from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'. When she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon",
he replied.
The man was very eager to see if the stuff worked so he went home, showered, shaved, doused himself in cologne, and took a spoonful of the miracle medicine, then called his wife into the bedroom.
When his wife came in, he said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began ripping off her clothes, when she suddenly asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"...
....which is why it is improper to end a sentence with a preposition, because you could find yourself with a dangling participle

Heard this on BBC....I've changed it a little.


An Irishman went into a Library and saw an interesting book  "HOW to HUG"....when he took it home and started to read it, he was confronted with vol 9 of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults where from an era before the English Language got boiled down to 4 letter words.

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison. He said, "If you were my wife I'd drink it"

A member of parliment to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease"  "That depends" said Disraeli, "Whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"

"He had dilusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure"-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemmingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book, I will waste no time reading it" -Moses Hadas

"I didnt attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it" -Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends" -Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play,bring a friend ...if you have one.", George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second night....If there is one." - Winston Churchill in response

"I feel so miserable without you, its almost like having you here" - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator" - John Bright

"I've just read about his illness. Lets hope its nothing trivial." Irvan S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others"-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver, looking for a spine to run up" - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielding easily"- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature inspite of what it did to him"- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there like an envelope without any address on it" -Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away, and kept the stork"  - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go, others, whenever they go"- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses a lamp-post, for support rather than illumination" -Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music" - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it" - Groucho Marx




 Kerr

I am constantly going to the dictionary after reading some of JWHs comments.

A  beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good  man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in  Australia with your wife and seven  children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man  told the fairy:
'Well, in  Sri Lanka  where I come  from we don't have good teeth, so I want new  teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy  looked at the man's almost toothless grin and 
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold  teeth in his mouth!

'What  else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The  Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a  big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in  Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In  the distance there could be seen a beautiful  mansion with a three car garage, a long  driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a  sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of  his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving  her wand.

 The  Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the  Australians.'

PING ! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a  greasy terry-towel hat.  He had his  bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared  from the horizon.
'What  happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.   'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa  Gold Card?'
The fairy  said
 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
 you're entitled  to
 sweet f***  all like the  rest of  us”.
And she  disappeared

Testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt  and ached almost all  the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem..
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him..
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle , and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutelydelighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said," How does  that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.
What did you do?
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber  boots."

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

This is no joke.............It's only a Par Three

[ ERROR: SPECIFIED ATTACHMENT MISSING ]

yep 19th hole @ hanglip mountain.

That's what you call a long drop.............
 

wonder how long it takes to get down there to play the second shot, be good if you did a hole in one

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big Bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
                             
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there
was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.


Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
                       
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


                         The moral of the story:

         Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

Overweight and under pressure,no pleasure for him wonder about her.



[ ERROR: SPECIFIED ATTACHMENT MISSING ]

I'm pretty sure that's Wally under there. 
The shot was taken in Albany or Argyle.

FZ really struggling now. Only one flight in from Argyle yesterday, arrived Perth at 5.15 PM. Must have canned those 3:30 AM arrivals.