Racehorse TALK

Hillbilly Honeymoon

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal!"

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!" 
       

you must really know wally   falcon

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!! 

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...


You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY


A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

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Be a worry if his hats were the other way around

 

Not to his wife!             

Obviously he's pretty relaxed at this point in time 

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Roasting hot down here!

Paddy and Mick



A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
                                                                                                                               


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It��s your f***ing plane!"



Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.




Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"



Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!




Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"



Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"




Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
                                                                                                                           


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"  

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Never know what you'll find in here.

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I'm off to bed after that.

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A bus stops and 2 italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: 
Emma come first.
Den i come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then i come one lasta time.
The lady can't take this any more, "you foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig", she retorted indignantly. "in this country. We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"hey, coola down lady," said the man. "who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' mississippi."

10 to One says you read this again. 

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3..Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10.. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11.When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. Pick up a box of Condoms at the Pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called...THERAPY
 
Forecast for tonight:   DARK

Five Short Stories by Men!

ONE

I was  walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy  crouching down behind a tombstone. I said,  "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO

When I was a kid,  I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a  bike and asked Him to forgive me.

THREE

My girlfriend was  in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and  yelled, "You did
this to me, you b !" I casually  replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."


FOUR

I went to an  extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit  m:censored:. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine  you."


FIVE

I was  walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan  neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's  wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"