Racehorse TALK

Here's one for the NZ members:

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.

However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave in and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully, she yelled into the mine entrance:  "Hello, is anyone there?  Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 

"Australia will win the Rugby World Cup."

"Thank God," she said, "at least Dopey's still alive."

A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's licence exam.  She handles most of the manoeuvres quite well.

She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and ends up a few feet from the kerb.

"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.

The blonde unbuckles her seatbelt and slides over toward the examiner.  "Now what?" she says.

 :D

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes."

"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 :D

How can anyone possibly find that offensive, Westie? 

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.  If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.  It was:

"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?  Is it

a) the condor;

b) the buzzard;

c) the cuckoo; or

d) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer and she was doubly on the spot because she had used her 50/50 lifeline and Ask the audience lifeline.  All that remained was her Phone a friend lifeline.

The woman had hoped she would not have to use it because, well, her friend was blonde.

She had no alternative so she phoned her friend and gave her the question with the four choices.  The blonde responded without hesitation.

"That's easy.  The answer is c)  the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.  She considered employing reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.  And considering that her friend was blonde it seemed the logical thing to do.  But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certaintly, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Eddie.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said:  "C, the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Eddie.

"Yes, that's my final answer."

Following the suspenseful commercial break, Eddie said:  "That answer is . . . absolutely correct!!  You are now a millionaire."

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for family and friends, including the blonde who helped her win a million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you. How did you happen to know the right answer?" the contestant asked.

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.  "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

Loved the punchline HWNM.

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were approaching, and desiring to make sure that everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town undertaker(who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make final proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.  A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone she had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording she had chosen.  He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.  For days he agonised over the dilemma.  But finally, his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was an appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'.  

A man walked into the ladies' department of Myers and shyly walked up to the
woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the sales lady.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, colour and material.  "Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras," she replied.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The
Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Lutheran type, and the Uniting
Church type.  Which one do you need?"

Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the
Lutheran type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Uniting Church type
makes mountains out of molehills."

 

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

*********************

Drive-In

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

*********************

Self Harm

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

*****************

Escalator

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.

*****************

Car Dents

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."

***************

Thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied........"Two icy poles and some coffee."

************

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter ? "

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister.  Her mother died, too."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire.

Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport," he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small rural airport, sure enough, a small plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!  I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause, the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

A man lying on his deathbed called to him his doctor, his pastor and his lawyer.  "I am going to die tonight and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most entrusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving $50,000 in these envelopes. When I die, you must come to the funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me."  The man then handed the three men identical envelopes.

The next day they each received the news that the previous night the old man had died.  So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfil his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later, the pastor confessed, "I can't hide what I've done. I took $10,000 from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

As he did so, the doctor started to fidget then finally confessed, "I took $30,000 from the envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."

Then the lawyer said, "You bunch of crooks. I wrote him a cheque for the full amount!"

An American journalist was stopped at a Russian checkpoint in a bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya.

The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it will roll back down the hill."

So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a fool?" as he slides into the passenger seat and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now go and open the trunk!"

So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldier's request and goes and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now," shouts the Russian from inside the car, "is there any contraband in there?"

 

A group of Americans was travelling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."  She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller was even cooler and switched off the field lights saying:  "Guess where!"