Racehorse TALK

There was this punter at a bush meeting that backs the rank ousider in a field of 5 runners at 10/1 with a bookie, he puts a $100 on to win.
A little while later he comes back and the bookie who still has it at tens. "Can I have another $200 on that horse?" he asks the bookie.
The bookie takes the bet and then says to the punter, " Look I own that horse and I don't think he can possibly win."
"oh I think he can." says the punter smiling, " I own the other four."

One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sir. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit myself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar myself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.

Don't worry if anything passes you, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some  weeks ago for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passengerpushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".  The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.

If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant,
gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

Heavan or Hell

---

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM. “I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”


“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.
“I’m sorry... but we have our rules,” Peter interjects. And, with that, St Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ‘suckers and peasants.’ They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, “Have a tequila and relax, John!”
“Uh, I can’t drink anymore, I took a pledge,” says Howard, dejectedly.

“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!” Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special! “Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself. “Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, “Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: “Well, I would never have thought I’d say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked John. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, “Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper,
young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my
needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.


That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:

I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are having dinner in a restaurant.

Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies:  "Not too bad.  How's your golf?"

Tiger says:  "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says:  "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Tiger says:  "You play golf?"

Stevie replies:  "Yes.  I've been playing for years."

Woods says:  "But you're blind!  How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder says:  "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.  Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks:  "What's your handicap?"

Stevie replies:  "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, amazed, says:  "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies:  "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Tiger thinks it over and says:  "Okay, I'm all for that.  When would you like to play?"

Stevie says:  "Pick a night."

TO DRINK OR NOT TO DRINK?

A Muslim was seated on a plane next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust:  "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:

"Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice."

 ;D

IS THIS TRUE??

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night
having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Aricans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service his cousing asked him:  "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," said the little boy.  "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said - 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

 ;D

One for John Howard 

A college drama presented a play in which one character had to stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell."

A stage hand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received.  When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell" the stage hand pulled the rope and the actor began his plunge but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:  "Hallelujah!  Hell is full."   

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them, and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Irish Doctor 

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy. "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"

"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.

The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"

 Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."

"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"

"Good God,"says the doctor."What did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes!"

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!

7 DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.                       
The husband said, "Who was that?"                   
The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."                       
                                                                         
SECOND DEGREE                             
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."               
                                                                   The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"             
                                                                   So, the first blonde hands her the compact.             
                                                                   The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 
                                                                         
THIRD DEGREE                             
   A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.   
                                                                   The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"           
                                                                   The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"             
                                                                         
FOURTH DEGREE                             
        A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all."       
                                                                   A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"         
                                                                   The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."         

                                                                   FIFTH DEGREE                             
  Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"                           
                                                                         
SIXTH DEGREE                             
    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.                       
                                                                         
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."     
                                                                   SEVENTH DEGREE                             
      Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.     
                                                                   As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!"